A Better Version Of Me

Recently, I’ve started thinking more and more about the traits that the children have inherited from me and Dan. It began with a startling realisation that Isaac’s insistence on holding everyone to impossibly high standards (himself included) is something straight out of Dan’s personal rulebook. Sophia has inherited my clumsiness as well as my love of sweet things (and tendency to overeat at times)! Eli is the first to admit fault in the case of damaged posesssions or general mischief and that’s me all over; as a teenager I told my parents the first time I drank alcohol and when the police might be callling because I was hanging out with people whose idea of a good time was to throw eggs off the top of a multi storey car park…

What’s interesting though is when you see your child in a situation you were in in childhood, anticipate how they’ll react and they then take you by surprise by how they deal with it. Case in point…when we moved, Isaac was desperate to join a local football team and to my surprise, Sophia (having shown no previous interest in the sport) decided that she wanted to try it out as well. She’s always wanted to give everything a go, not wanting to miss out on any available opportunity so I suppose it was just another example of that.

Anyway, fast forward to their first training session. They are in separate groups and Isaac gets stuck in and shows a natural aptitude for running around and kicking the ball. Sophia however, a little like me, appeared to have two left feet, little interest in the game and at times seemed more interested in dog walkers at the other end of the field than in where the ball was. As I watched her, I felt my cheeks redden as I saw her out of her depth in a team full of seasoned players. When they finished I fully anticipated embarassment, perhaps some tears and definitely a refusal to come back. She walked towards me and I merrily asked how she’d found it. Her response? ‘Great! I’m going to come again next week’. I couldn’t have been more shocked! I’m so used to seeing her as mini me that I couldn’t believe how confident she was and willing to give it another go. (She has since given up but only after realising they play all year round, whatever the weather. She liked it but not enough to play in pouring rain and freezing temps!)

A few other occasions since have made me realise that she is the lucky possessor of an unfailing confidence in her own abilities. She was mildly surprised when she couldn’t do an unaided headstand on her first ever attempt and her life ambitions are to own a bakery and be the first woman on the moon. She truly believes she can do anything she puts her hand to and is eager to give everything a go. Where she does struggle, she just ploughs on through and is an amazing example to us all!

The more I look at the kids, the more I’m able to recognise the traits they’ve inherited from both Dan and myself and how the combination they have is a new and improved version of ourselves. More often than not, the characteristics I see in them that we share are positive and whilst obviously they have their own flaws and foibles, they seem less pronounced then in myself and Dan. Maybe it’s because they’re young and haven’t had time to develop but I am starting to appreciate why some people invest so much in their children, hoping they’ll do what their parents couldn’t.

Obviously, I don’t want to put any pressure on my kids. I’m not expecting them to win Nobel Prizes, play sports at national level or discover the cure for cancer (although obviously I’d be bloody proud if they did!) I simply want them to grow up and live healthy, happy lives that have a positive impact on those around them. But it is interesting to think that perhaps they will take the best of us both and use it to go further than previous generations have.

I don’t know if any of your know ‘This Be The Verse’ by Philip Larkin but up until this point, I always thought there was a grain of truth in it. It reads…

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

    They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

    And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

    By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

    And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

    It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

    And don’t have any kids yourself.

And I suppose that whilst that can be the case for some parents and children, I’m really hoping to actually achieve the exact opposite as I traverse down this rather tumultous road of parenthood. I’m sure they will inherit some of our flaws and have plenty of their own but I want to actively push against the sentiment in Larkin’s poem. I want to build them up and instead of handing on misery, I want to hand on happiness. I want to hand on an integrity of spirit, the confidence to challenge what is unfair and unjust and the belief that with hope and positive actions, we can change our path. And given the state of the world that we currently exist in, I truly believe that if we all try to do this for our children, the world will be a better place.