The only constant in life is change

When the kids were much younger, I used to do a blog post every year for their birthday. I would document the change I’d had the privilege to witness as they took another journey around the sun. I used to talk about their personalities, their likes and interests, who they were turning into. But as they got older and gained more independence and agency, it didn’t feel appropriate to continue this tradition. It seems like I should give them more privacy and respect about that. Their lives and their personalities are their stories to share, should they wish to.

But as Sophia turns 14 this week, I couldn’t help but want to reflect a little bit on the passing of time and the continual growth that you both see and experience as a parent. Having spent some time with some of my friends and family’s babies and toddlers recently, I was struck by how long ago that era of my life was. In particular, how different that stage of life was. Having three babies in 5 years meant a near-constant state of pregnancy, nappies, breastfeeding and carrying of small people for almost 8 years. That’s a good chunk of your life when you’re only 36!

The care work involved in keeping very tiny people alive is so physical, so exhausting, so constant. But back then, their needs felt much more simple. They needed food, milk, touch, sleep and love. Of course that’s not to say that it’s not an emotional rollercoaster, it’s easy to get dragged into concerns about development, to navigate meeting and connecting with other parents, to make peace with the fact that by having a child, you have fundamentally changed yourself and that you need to discover who the new version of yourself is.

But now, things seem even more complex and nuanced. They still need those physical needs meet. They still need love. But now your job as a parent also involves supporting them as they navigate friendships and relationships, gain more independence and grapple with identity issues as they discover who they are and what they’re passionate about, what lights them up. When they were young, you could more or less protect them from pain. Or at the least, most of the pain they experienced was physical and you could kiss and hug it away.

Now they will, and do, experience pain that you can’t take away. And of course they need to, it’s part of life. We need the lows of life to contrast with the joy that the highs bring. Life would be boring if we were on the same constant permanently, part of life’s beauty is the parts that bring challenge, confrontation, and pain. Through them we grow, we evolve, and we learn perspective and to appreciate what really matters in life. The breadth of emotions that we experience are what gives our lives depth and meaning. It’s what shows that we are really living.

Too often, we have allowed ourselves to believe that we can live whole lives in the absence of suffering. We are told that uniform happiness is the only desirable experience. But this in itself is a disenchantment. Without it, we are living only a surface existence, a shallow terrain.

Katherine May, Enchantment

But as a parent, learning to allow our children, as they turn into young adults, to feel this whole range of emotions without trying to shield them from all the unpleasant ones, is really hard. It’s heartbreaking watching them suffer, it’s frustrating watching them find something hard, knowing that we could offer them answers but also knowing that we need to let them figure it out themselves. It’s a tough lesson for both parent and child, but an essential one.

I think this is what the next stage of parenting holds for me. Learning how to tread the fine line between supporting them and comforting when needed and knowing when to step back and let them find their own way, having to accept that I will see them upset, I will see them hurt, and I won’t always be able to fix it. As someone who loves solutions and doesn’t like to see people upset, this is already a challenge! But I determined to make sure I give them the space to continue their own journeys. They know that I’ll always be there when they need me. But now, I need to take a few steps back and let them find their own way as they navigate the next stage of life. I owe them that.

I’m so proud of all three of them for the people they becoming. They’re so different and spark in their own way but they all have big hearts, open minds, and love to laugh! They are such a pleasure to spend time with and it’s such a privilege to be walking alongside them in life. I can’t wait to see how this next phase of our lives unfolds – I’m sure it won’t always be easy but what a gift that I get to be on this journey with them.