Attitude Adjustment

As seasoned home educators, the thing I’ve heard a lot over the last few days is ‘Oh, you guys are used to this – won’t be too much of a change eh?’ (or words to that effect). But no, just like the rest of the country, our world has been turned upside down. Not going to our regular groups and classes, not seeing friends and family, not going freely outside, is just as discombulating for us as for everyone else.

Yesterday we attempted a “normal” day of home ed, we did work in the morning (Sophia had her Latin lesson over Skype, they all did music practice, maths/reading eggs and we played some board games), had a break after lunch whilst they did a treasure hunt for each other and then we went on a rainbow-spotting walk through the ghost town of our estate before dinner. This morning, we started with a Joe Wicks PE workout on youtube and then did some cosmic kids yoga. And then I was so overcome with anxiety and fatigue that I offered them a day off work which was eagerly received.

After some teething issues (translation: fighting, sobbing siblings), the boys are now happily building a theme park out of lego and Sophia is baking. I’m working through a backlog of covid-19 related Forest School admin (or was before I wrote this) whilst trying to wrestle with the constant stream of worries circulating round my head. Last week my anxiety was work-based, it consumed my thoughts. This week, it’s about my jaw! I accidentally tried to chew something without thinking on Friday and Eli then hit me in the same spot over the weekend which has resulted in pain, swelling and restricted movement where there wasn’t any previously. Last week my surgeon said to contact him if any such things happened as I’m only 4 weeks out from surgery. So I spoke to an on-call doctor yesterday over the phone who said give it a few days and of course, now I can’t stop thinking about it! It’s probably just my body’s response to protect itself after the new trauma but worst case scenario, I’ve caused damage to my jaw and the plates which would need repair. I think deep down I know it’s the former but now I am obsessively looking at my face and comparing it with pictures of last week to assess the extent of the new swelling.

To be honest, at the moment, as a natural born worrier, I think I’m prone to just grabbing any little thing to obsessively stress about. But that doesn’t have to be the case, I can own it but I don’t have to succumb to it. Because, as I said to the kids, we can make this lockdown much easier or much harder based on our behaviour and attitude. So it’s time to adjust my mindset!

Misery loves company as they say. So if we all mope around the house, feeling sorry for ourselves and bickering endlessly, it’s going to be a really long few weeks stuck at home. But if we try and focus on the positives, devising new ways to have fun, work on keeping our cool and communicating effectively then things are going to be a heck of a lost better! (When I say ‘we’ I am mostly just referring to my rabble, not casting aspersions as to what the rest of you lot are up to!)

So here are my positives, if you’d like to share yours in the comments below that’d be AMAZING:

  • We are healthy and safe
  • The sun is shining and the sky is blue (and for the third day running no less!)
  • We have a roof over our heads, food in our cupboards and clothes on our backs
  • We’ve put a tent up in the garden and the kids are into their second hour of moving all their wordly posessions out there and showing no sign of stopping!
  • My family and friends are all healthy and safe
  • Whilst I can’t eat much for another 3-4 weeks, I can still drink tea and eat ice cream
  • Due to the wonders of technology, we can stay in touch with those we love
  • I have an endlessly cheery yellow hoody, new enough to still make me happy whenever I wear it
  • This crisis has brought out countless stories of the goodness of humanity, helping those that need it and generally being lovely and kind to each other
  • Local communities are going to great lengths to safely share useful information and provide entertainment for kids (rainbow walk anyone?!)
  • Dan and I already both work from home so we can still work
  • I’ve got loads of free time to write
  • We’re still allowed outside to exercise – moorland runs, here I come!
  • We’ve got a whole backlog of home ed work that we were planning on doing that’ll keep us busy for a while
  • I’m married to an absolute joker, who is absolutely keeping our spirits up
  • Dan has an awesome server (his contribution to this list!)
  • No one appears to be panic buying the chocolate ice cream

A short story (of simple pleasures)

Music coursed through her veins as she shed her jacket and slipped off her shoes. The sun was streaming through the bay windows and as she surveyed the scene in front of her, she basked in it’s warmth. The smell of jasmine tea brewing permeated every corner of the flat and she gathered her easel and paints and moved them into the sunlight. The beat of the music was rhythmic, infectious, and fast; she turned it up louder.

She took a few minutes to look at the view outside and then started to paint what she saw. The council gardeners had done a beautiful job on the communal green space opposite. Luscious green lawn was punctuated by bursts of colour as flowers bloomed joyously in their beds. Beyond the green, she could just see the sea, waves gently lapping at the shore, beach almost non existent, submerged by the spring high tide. It was mid-morning now and people were starting to migrate outdoors; runners moving steadily along the promenade, mothers and children playing in the park, teenagers and students lounging in strategically placed groups.

She painted until her hands ached, until she was happy with the result. She stopped to get some food from her small galley kitchen and ate it with the windows wide open, summer air streaming in, full of glorious scents and snatches of music played by the students on the grass. She spotted the time and realised she was going to be late; grabbing her towel and costume, she locked the door and walked quickly across the green.

The tide was starting to recede and on a patch of newly dry sand, a welcoming smile met her. Not wanting to waste a minute of the day, they changed and before long, were dancing in the surf, acclimatising to the chill of the water before finally diving in to start swimming beyond the shallows. The friends swam further than expected, along the shore until they reached the edge of the bay. Exhilirated, they clambered out and onto the rocks to soak up the summer sun. The friends talked, simulatenously about everything and nothing, relaxing and enjoying each other’s company. Time slowly sped by and soon they dove back in, swimming back to their spot on the beach. There, they resumed their chat, from the comfort of their towels.

They spent the rest of the afternoon sharing; their thoughts, their feelings, their food. As the sun dipped lower on the horizon, they parted ways and she strolled towards home, salty hair blowing gently on the evening breeze. She stopped and sat for a while on the green, enjoying the quiet and the mild summer’s evening. Eventually, she let herself back into her small home and put on some music. She tidied away her things from the day accompanied to a different music than that which started her day. It was mellow, soulful, relaxed. To start and end a day with music, filled her with joy.

Eventually, she climbed into bed, still smelling of the ocean. That these days happen are not a certainty she thought, but when they come around, the happiness is sublime.

A day of simple pleasures.

Perspective

Two things have happened this week that have left me thinking.

The first was when we were doing a ‘Growth Mindset Journal’ with another home ed family on Monday. For those that don’t know, growth mindset is the belief that you are in control of your own ability and skills and that you can learn and improve. Our journal has covered all sorts of things from being kind and helping others to looking at the brain as a muscle that needs exercising. This week was about positivity. We spoke a little about the difference between having a positive and negative attitude towards things and both my big two piped up cheerily ‘oh, I’m negative. Yes, I have a negative attitude!’ And it made me really sad! I actually don’t think it’s true when I look at their reactions to things in life and their general interactions and disposition but it made me sad that this was their image of themselves.

I got to thinking why this might be the case and pondered whether it could be due to my attitude. They say children are your mirror and I’ve been rather more ‘glass half empty’ over the last months than I used to be. I think this has been mostly down to being ill so much this year and to some epic over-scheduling in the last academic year. But I’m determined to make an effort to be more positive and focus on the good things in a situation, rather than the bad. This used to come so easily to me so I’m not sure why it doesn’t so much anymore but I’m going to practice positivity until hopefully it becomes the natural choice in my reactions. So apologies in advance if I start being annoyingly cheery again – I’ll try to dial it down where appropriate!!

The second thing that happened was online. In a facebook group I’m on, a lady of two very young children reached out, asking if other mothers ever felt totally overwhelmed, touched out and with no sense of self or time to do things they wanted to do. I realised with a sense of surprise that after years of feeling like this, on the whole I actually don’t anymore! Having three kids so close together was tough, especially when they were all under 5, and I often felt like I was madly treading water to survive. I remember feeling like there was nothing more to me than being a mother. They needed me mentally, physically and spiritually all the time and it consumed me. I was touched out, tired and bloody irritated with the whole affair.

But now at 9, 7 and 4 this has passed. And it happened so gradually that I didn’t even realise. They have more independence, need me less and I am lucky to get a heck of a lot of time to myself, be that at the gym, out running, at work or just generally seeing friends. I’m aware that a lot of my friends don’t get this so I don’t want to take it for granted. At the same time though, I don’t think it’s a luxury but a necessity to my sanity and one that I think everyone needs and deserves. Being a parent is amazing but it’s not all I am.

So I guess both of these things made me think about perspective. I’ve had a few conversations about this over the last week. It’s easy to be so absorbed in the present that taking a step back to see what has changed can be hard. But I think it’s really important to practice doing this. Often you are able to take stock and realise that things are massively different and hopefully, in a really positive way! It’s easy to forget about the small achievements and progressions that you (and your children) have made if you’re not looking for them but important to acknowledge and celebrate them I think. It’s easy to feel stagnant and like nothing has changed when actually, micro-steps of moving forward have happened. Perspective helps us identify where things are going in our lives and using it, we can fine-tune what happens next.

I think perspective, like gratitude, is a practice and one that is worthy of regular practice.

An Unexpected Outcome

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how rough I was feeling. I felt embarrassed posting it and totally out of my comfort zone. Although I am quite an open person in regards to what I share, I do apply my own filter to that and don’t like sharing too much of what I perceive to be “negative” stuff. My post was met with an outpouring of love and support from a lot of people in my life. I was so incredibly grateful, overwhelmed and…yes, a little bit embarrassed! I didn’t think I should get this reaction, not when I’d only been unwell for a few months, rather than some chronic ongoing condition. But I am so thankful for my amazing friends and family for being so nice to be regardless.

Anyway, I’ll cut to the chase and catch you up. Over the summer I religiously took my iron pills, rested more, ate well, and…got worse. Towards the end of August, I was sleeping for 10 hours every night, doing the bare minimum in the day and feeling more and more exhausted, dizzy and confused.

Then one Saturday, I swapped cars with Dan and took his swanky car, leaving him with my 20 year old, somewhat cranky, vauxhall corsa. He phoned me at the end of the day and said ‘I think you car is making you ill!’ I laughed at him but he persisted. There had been ongoing issues with the exhaust and he theorised that my symptoms could be caused by chronic low-level exposure to carbon monoxide. A little research on Headway and the NHS websites confirmed my symptoms matched and when Monday rolled around I got a same-day appointment with my GP.

She was amazing, asked lots of questions and ordered a next day blood test to look at levels of carboxyhemoglobin in my blood. Results came back quickly and showed that levels were outside of the normal range. Not hugely but I hadn’t been driving the car for a week by that point so I assume they would have been higher if tested sooner.

The real test was in seeing how I was as time went on, now I was no longer in the car (that has now been scrapped for other reasons) and thankfully, I have seen a noticeable improvement in how I’m feeling. I’m still not firing on all cylinders but apparently it can take a while as the carbon monoxide binds to your red blood cells so oxygen can’t. Consequently you need to wait until all your red blood cells have been replaced with new ones for it to be completely gone. But I am gradually doing more and although getting tired after a few busy days in a row, tons better than I was.

It was pretty scary though, mostly because the kids must have been exposed as well. And as the summer progressed I noticed that they were more tired and irritable than normal. I chalked it up to the summer, being out of routines, hormones…etc but now of course I’m wondering if it was something more sinister. But because they were in the car less than me and because I was anaemic, I was more vulnerable which is why I think I was affected the most.

When you think of carbon monoxide poisoning you think of the acute exposure, the stories where a household of people never wake up after a boiler breaks in the night. I don’t think I’d really thought of long-term chronic exposure to low levels and if I had, certainly had no idea how awful it could make you feel. I am so grateful to Dan for putting 2+2 together and so thankful for my awesome GP and our continued access to the NHS.  So I guess it feels appropriate to end with a public service notice of sorts – make sure you have carbon monoxide detectors in your house and be aware of what else can cause the poisoning, the NHS have a whole section on what causes carbon monoxide to leak here so go and educate yourselves!

Just Give Me a Minute

I’ve reached a wall. I am absolutely (seemingly permanently) exhausted and unable to sustain the level of activity that I was just a few months ago. Blood tests have shown I’m anaemic again and I’m duly on ridiculous amounts of daily iron but my energy levels are still firmly in my boots. Six weeks in and they seem to be making no difference so it’s back to the doctors next week. My training has been reduced from 6 days a week to barely 3 last week and none at all this week, I’ve been cancelling plans left, right and centre and having to have ‘rest breaks’ after everything I do. I’m feeling annoyed that I can’t get to the gym, guilty that I keep letting down friends and like a shitty parent that my most repeated phrase at the moment is some variation of ‘ please, just give me a minute.’ It is so frustrating!

I write this not to complain or to elicit sympathy but mostly because I just need an outlet. Me and the kids walked to town this morning (2 miles), did some shopping and walked back. And it knocked me for six. Usually, walking that distance would be completely unmentionable, a non event. But now I’m sitting in bed, writing this and feeling shattered. Luckily, the kids have been entertained with a paddling pool and up until the peace dissolved, I could hear the sounds of their shrieks of laughter through the open door. So at least they’re not being adversely affected by my pathetic-ness! I’m just hoping some rest and an early night will put me in a good place for a trip to one of our beautiful local beaches in the morning.

I’m not even sure why I’m publishing this but I guess I have two thoughts. Firstly, so friends know why I’m being so damn flakey at the moment. I’m sorry guys, bear with me and hopefully I’ll be back to normal in no time. I’m having to prioritise work and the stuff the kids really want to do and everything else (including the gym, sob!) is having to wait for now.  If you see photos of us out and about having fun in the great outdoors, chances are that I’ll be resting for the rest of the day at the moment. Secondly, I have so much admiration for people living full time with disabilities or chronic illness. Especially those with children. I have no idea how you manage to find your balance. If I’ve ever crossed paths with you and not understood/respected your limitations, please accept my sincere apologies.

I feel so grumpy and out of sync. I never get ill and this year, I don’t seem to be able to recover every time I get a bug. But such is life I guess.

Finally, I did want to publicly thank Dan for once again, being an amazing husband and father. Despite his own health challenges, he is continuing to go above and beyond in supporting my recovery. Right now he’s whisking the kids off to the beach for a few hours so I can get some uninterrupted rest. Thanks babe, I don’t know what I’d do without you!

(P.S Apologies for the Eeyore post and the cheesy ending, I wouldn’t usually publish something like this but I figured it’s good to be transparent about the not so good as well as the good (to a certain extent). )

 

 

 

Guilt

At this very moment, I should be in the woods at Exeter Forest School, running my first ever session as a Forest School Leader. Instead, I am sat under our biggest, cosiest blanket with a large cup of tea feeling rather sorry for myself. I’ve been ill for close to two weeks now and feel like I might finally be on the tail end of it but certainly not well enough to run a session without coughing and spluttering over the unfortunate parents and children in attendance. I feel so cheesy saying this, but my proverbial village has, once again, leapt into action to assist. A dear friend (who I now owe so many childcare favours to it’s ridiculous) is having Eli at the group and for the afternoon and Dan has gone to deposit the big two with her as well so she can take them to the older group where they attend by themselves. I have a whole day to rest and hopefully finally recuperate after an incredibly busy two weeks where I have just kept going when perhaps I should have declared a few more movie (or to assuage my home ed conscience, documentaries) and sofa days for the kids.

However, my primary emotion today is guilt. Guilt that I’m letting down work by not being able to run the session. Guilt that my friend is helping out and looking after my kids again, especially when she’s not feeling 100% herself. Guilt that I’m probably not going to be particularly productive even though there are things that need to be done (work, cleaning…etc). Guilt (ridiculously) that once again this week, I won’t reach my step count for the day. When I sat down to write this I was thinking mainly about what some term ‘mother’s guilt’. The guilt that means you feel like you are constantly failing those around you. That you don’t have enough to give to your kids to fulfill what they need. That there isn’t enough of you to go around. That your house is a mess. That you can’t find the work-life-fun balance. That you have goals and projects left unfinished. That you shout, nag and lecture. That maybe your priorities aren’t where they should be. That sometimes you take more from your friends and family than you give.

But then I realised that guilt is not exclusive to motherhood. Guilt is something that lots of us are plagued with. Most of that list above could apply to all of us, regardless of whether we have kids or not. And we could add more. Guilt that we’re not doing more in the fight against climate change would be one for me. For someone else it might be guilt that they skipped the gym. Guilt that they let down a friend. Guilt that they pay someone to clean their home. Guilt that they don’t cook their meals from scratch. Guilt that they got a promotion over a colleague. Everyone feels guilty for a myriad of different reasons.

Clearly, guilt that we feel because of something we’ve actually done (deliberate or not) that we know has affected someone negatively (physically or mentally) is a different category. It’s right to feel remorse and to try and make amends. But I’m talking about the guilt that so many of us feel unnecessarily.  Guilt that we essentially make up for things that we don’t need to feel remorseful, shameful or sad about.

I’m struggling to think of anything positive that comes out of this kind of guilt. Acknowledging a fault or weakness and acting on it to promote positive change is one thing. But endlessly beating yourself up about stuff, valid or not, is useful to no-one. I know that if the situation was reversed, I would do the same thing for a friend or family member in need. I know that I would cover sessions for a colleague if I could. But it doesn’t stop me feeling bad about being the one needing the help right now.

I don’t know what the answer is and I realise this may come across as a somewhat woe-is-me post which is not my intention. Rather, I wanted to start a conversation about unecessary guilt. About why we feel it, about why we shouldn’t let ourselves get so caught up in such a negative feeling. It’s not something we talk about a lot I think.  A quick google produces a wealth of articles from people much more equipped to talk about this than me. And a few things stood out to me particularly as helpful ways to break the cycle of self-flagellation caused by needless guilt.

Firstly, as I mentioned above, engage in a spot of role reversal. Imagine what you’d say or do to a friend or family member saying what you’re feeling. Chances are you’d reassure them that their guilt isn’t based in anything real and advise that they need to be kinder to themselves. Which leads nicely to the second point which is to make an effort to remove yourself from the situation and actually look at what you do. Look to see if there is any evidence to back up your guilt, I bet there isn’t! Practice a little bit of self-gratitude. Make a list if you need to of all the things you accomplish. But acknowledge what you do and try and be at peace that this is enough.

Finally, practice some self-care. I know this is a bit of a buzz topic at the moment but there’s a reason for that. You can’t give from an empty glass and we live in a world where we try to do much more than is practically possible for any one person. Our villages are  broken and dispersed and people often don’t have the support they need. I’m going to drag out a parenting phrase that I have quoted many times before, bestowed on me from a very wise friend ‘your child is your mirror’. If you are overworked, stressed and brimming with negative emotions, your child(ren) will feed off this and reflect it back to you. If you take some time for yourself to do something you enjoy, just for you, you will be calmer and happier and your children will absorb this positive energy and that makes for a more peaceful household all round (if only in attitude and emotion rather than actual volume. Even when happy, my kids are loud.)

Funnily enough, as I came to the conlusion of this post, a message pinged up from the friend who has my kids today saying simply (in response to my apologies and thanks)

Don’t feel guilty! It’s lovely having a village”

And whilst I know not everyone out there is lucky enough to have a village in place like I do, I think the take home is the same. Don’t feel guilty. We don’t need to haul any extra baggage around with us if it’s not needed. And if you don’t have a village, why not try and make one? Social media is great at connecting people, find some other folk who are village-less and start building a group based on friendship, support and community. And when you’ve got it, accept offers of help when you’re struggling, gratefully and guiltlessly.

 

 

Stepping Away From The Tech

For the last two years, I’ve been working for The Outdoors Group, an amazing company the delivers outdoor education across five sites around Devon from toddler groups and home education sessions to specialist 1:1 intervention for those struggling to thrive in mainstream and adult training to send more Forest School Leaders into the world. We also host birthday parties and team building events. And excitingly, this year we are opening The Outdoors School, an independent special one-of-it’s-kind outdoor school, especially for ASD and SEHM learners.  I work in an administrative capacity, sat behind my laptop or on the phone, either at home or in our cosy office at West Town Farm. I never thought I’d enjoy doing admin so much but I think it’s a combination of loving being organised and being passionate about the business that means that I really do love my job and mostly find it a pleasure, rather than a chore. I like problem solving and I like helping people, both important parts of the role.

However, I’ve always said to folk when talking about what I do that I’d love to do the Forest School Leader training itself one day. ‘One Day’ was a vague concept, some magical time in the future when it would be appropriate and I’d found the courage. But excitingly/nervewrackingly, ‘one day’ has come sooner than I anticipated. At the end of February I’ll be joining a bunch of other aspiring Forest School leaders at our site just outside Exmouth for a week’s practical course to kick off the year of training required for this qualification. I am equal parts thrilled and terrified. I love learning and I love being outside but….after many years of living in houses with stoves and open fireplaces and having attended Forest School with the kids for the last 6 years, I still can’t reliably light a fire! Hopefully this week will solve that…

I’m also feeling rather nervous about the concept of actually running sessions. Sure I run activities at our Home Education group nearly every week but I’m not technically in charge there. I can corral a group of rowdy children aged 2-11 and get them involved in a structured activity but that is indoors, without the added factors of everything that the outdoors brings, including the health and safety element of it. Folk aren’t paying to be at the Home Ed group and if I muck it up, it matters not one jot!

It’s a bit of a moot point though at the moment as I’m not actually going to be in the woods doing delivery for the forseeable future I think but I like to think ahead to when that day comes. I know really, that the whole point of doing the training is to equip the learners with the skills, knowledge and confidence to be able to successfully plan and deliver sessions but still, eep!

Turning off the laptop, putting on my boots and waterproof trousers and stepping outside feels like a bold move. But one that I’m looking forward to. And even if I don’t use the training in the woods for a while, I’m hoping that it will better inform me for my role within the metaphorical ‘office’. However, even in order to make the week’s training happen has been a bit of an undertaking in terms of childcare and I owe a huge thank you to one particularly special friend and my Mum and Dad for helping Dan keep the kids occupied that week whilst he’s working from home. It really does take a village and I’m so grateful for my little one.  So here’s to stepping out of my comfort zone of inboxes and spreadsheets and entering a whole new world of outdoor learning and adventure…I’ll keep you updated as to how I get on!

Hannah-Bio-Pic

Cutting bits of string, I’ve got that. Fire lighting, watch this space…